How I Found Out

 

If you’re reading this out loud and you have a small child in the room, well… stop. Although WHY you would be reading this out loud with a small child in the room is beyond me. So unless you want me to blow some big secrets to small children everywhere ('cause that's just how widely-read this blog is people!), don’t read this out loud in front of them. Okay, having done my duty by small children world-wide...

This is how I found out...

There is this hysterical commercial on these days where kids talk about where babies come from. They have all the cute answers you would expect, but the funniest part for me is where one little girl is whispering in another little girl's ear. And the second little girl reacts, stunned and says, totally grossed out, "Are you kidding?" Obviously, her friend just told her the truth. Bwah hah haaaah! That is exactly how I found out.

See, I had this friend, L, who was a year older than me. She lived across the street for most of my younger years and as a result, I found out some stuff about a year earlier than I normally would have because L kept me informed as she learned the important facts of life.

This came in very handy in school because when we played "School," L was always the teacher and I was always the student. And in L's version, I actually had to, uhhh, LEARN stuff. So she would naturally teach me what she'd learned in school that week and thus, I was about a year ahead of my poor, L-less counterparts. I definitely had an edge in spelling and multiplication! L actually graded me in our play-schoolhouse. She took it very seriously.

And when we played house, L was always the mom and I was always the kid. We often stole my littlest brother, J, because he was a cute baby, and he got the play... the baby. But L was always in charge and honestly, that was just the way she liked it. Hmmm - come to think of it, that's just the way L likes things now too! *snicker*

Anyhooo! L's family and my family were super close. We often had dinner at each others' houses - big family dinners. L had a brother, M, who was my brother, R's best friend. And since they lived right across the street, our parents often dumped the kids off in each others' homes.

On one of these evenings, and I remember it as clearly as if it were yesterday, L's family was at our house, having tacos for dinner. My dad had recently shot some film footage of us all running around, acting like lunatics, and he was setting up the screen and projector (no, not the TV. This was before VCRs and camcorders and DVDs - you know... prairie times!). Movie night was always a really big deal in our house - and for some reason, it always coincided with taco night. But I digress. While dad was painstakingly setting up the projector, L leaned over and whispered in my ear.

WHY she decided to share this information with me, I don't know.

WHY she shared it the way she did, I cannot explain.

WHY she shared it and did not preface it in any way, shape or form, I can only shrug.

WHY L did many things have no explanation, but this was a doozie!

This is what my best friend whispered into my innocent, virginal ear, "Men put their penises into womens' vaginas."

I promptly told her to shut up and stop lying. But she very calmly told me it was totally and completely true. And then she DARED me to ask my dad. L was evil. Have I mentioned this before? L had an evil streak.

Knowing that L was evil and was obviously LYING, I stomped directly over to my father, who had absolutely no idea what was about to hit him. I threw an, "I am going to get you in sooooo much trouble" look over my shoulder at L and tugged my father's shirt.

"Daddy?"

"Hrmphrhm?" He was really deeply engrossed in setting up the projector. Dad's extremely intelligent, like MENSA, crazy-smart. But he can really only focus on one thing at a time. And a child tugging on him while he is trying to set up a complicated machine like a projector does not foster a good, calm mood with Daddio.

"Daaaaa-ddy!?"

"MMRHPHPHRM!!!" I shot a worried look back at L, who was looking supremely confident and a little arrogant. Normally the grumpy "hrumph" from my dad would have sent me skittering away, but that snotty look of superiority sent me over the edge.

"DAD!"

"WHAT?!??!?!!!!!" He slammed some projector part down on the dining room table and turned to stare down at me.

My angelic little face with my big, blue, innocent eyes looking up at him softened him and he leaned down. "Sorry, what is it?"

"I have a question," I squeaked out, now realizing I was going to have to say those body part words to my dad. Oh God!

"Ok," he said. I waited. I waited and fidgeted and stalled. My dad started to get angry. "Kristin Jean! Either ask me your question or sit down!"

"Yup! Ummmm," I managed to say, "Laura told me something that isn't true. And I told her it wasn't true, but she said I had to come ask you anyway." I rolled my eyes for dramatic effect.

"Yessssss?" Dad said, trying his best not to wring my neck and send my back to my tacos.

"Can I whisper it to you?" I asked, suddenly too shy to even speak out loud.

"Sure," Dad said and leaned down.

The stalling was over. I had to spit it out. I had to just ask him, so I could go back to L and call her the big, fat liar she was. So I whispered, "L said that men put their penises in womens' vaginas. But that isn't true, right?"

My father stood up stick straight with a sudden whooosh that scared me. I jumped back. I stared at him. He stared at me. Then he looked at L. Then he looked at L's father, who had no idea what was going on and shrugged at my dad.

I said, "Daddy? They don't do that, right?"

And to my horror he said, "Yes, they do. We'll talk about it later."

I was stunned. I was horrified. I was completely deflated. I was grossed out!!!!!

"But... why?????"

Dad's face was a deep shade of red, "Babies, "he hissed at me. "Go back and sit with L!"

I slunk away towards my seat next to a trimuphant L. Bitch. I couldn't even look at her. BABIES??? What did babies have to do with anything?

My mother caught my eye. I gave her a completely confused look. She looked at my father, who looked like he was about to burst into tears. She came over to me and took me into her bedroom where I asked her the same question, hoping desperately for a different answer.

No luck.

Then she pulled out a book. She said, "I was kind of hoping I wouldn't have to read this to you for a couple of years, but once again, L has beat me to the punch." And she took out this book called, Where Did I Come From? Anyone who read this book in the 70s and 80s can relate. This book was absolutely wonderful.

The illustrations were great and it explained things in a down-to-earth way that was true and witty. I was still completely and totally wigged out. And Mom was totally confused as to why L just blurted out the FACT and not the REASON. Except, as I said before, L did things for her own reasons and on her own schedule, so who knows?

The book explained about the basics, like sperm and eggs. I loved, loved, LOVED the picture of the sperm going about their business. I mean come on! How cool do these sperm look??? Especially the "winner" sperm! HAHAHA!!!

What I remember the most, even 35 years later, are the illustrations and my poor father's face. And I remember that the book talked about a man and a woman loving each other very much and getting very, very close. It never used any of the words L had used. But since L had been so blunt, poor Mommy had to fill that part in for me. I was disgusted. I just could never look at her the same way... ever again!

There was one part of the book that flipped me out a little. It was a picture of the man and the woman fooling around in the bathtub. Seriously. I guess it was the 70s, afterall. But after that, every time I heard my mom or dad hit the shower, I scrambled around to make sure the other one wasn't in there too. I wasn't ready for another brother. I didn't want them doing anything hinky in there! Sickos!

I mean really! Look at the picture. They have a toy boat in there with them. What kind of perverts are they??? LOL

All in all, it was probably a good thing L spilled the beans. I was the oldest. And while my parents had dutifully prepared by buying the nifty "Birds-N-Bees" book, I think it was probably easier on them that I was the one that broke the ice. Granted, it was with a terribly sharp ice pick. But they still blame L for that.

They also blame L for my extremely early discovery about Santa Claus. I think that may have disturbed my parents even more than the sex revelation!!! Poor, poor parents!